Can’t Catch My Breath.

So I had my first panic attack in about 5 months today. The reason for the attack was simply a family issue between my brother and me. I had forgotten to take my Prozac this morning and this is likely the reason for the downfall. I was feeling very uncomfortable so I left the situation I was in with my brother to try and save myself from the anxiety but I was too late. I freaked out and panicked. I made it to my bedroom sat on my bed and as my blood pressure should have been declining from my trek up the stairs, it wasnt. I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air to reach my lungs. My mother and sister woke up and they ran into my room to try and calm me down. I couldn’t catch my breath. It felt as if my lungs were empty and there was no air left in the atmosphere. I got light-headed and had my hand on my chest trying so hard to breathe, to slow things down, but everything was going at a thousand miles an hour. My mom ran to get my Xanax and my sister was doing something. I couldn’t really tell because at that point my vision was blurry, I couldn’t control anything anymore and I was in a Full-Fledged panic attack. In that moment I realized, this is it. I am going to pass out. I might die, and this will be the end.

I had almost forgotten what a panic attack felt like because it has been so long since the last one. But I took my Xanax and I made it through. I finally was able to tell my mother what happened and I could breathe but my heart and mind were racing and I just kept rambling. I was twitching and I couldn’t stop. My mom just wanted me to calm down and to go to bed because I have to work from 8:30-4:30 tomorrow.. It is currently 2 am. So that’s going to be fun.

But honestly, after Jeff died, these panic attacks just got worse and more frequent in my life and its such an annoyance. This is how my life changed since he died. I now get to live in fear of my next attacks. I now have to be medicated. He ruined me. But he also changed so much in me. Good things. I know what true kindness is because of him. I know what true love is. But I also know what it’s like to be irreparably broken.